George Carlin (1937-2008)

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Quote of the Day

"Life in the oceans must be sheer hell. A vast, merciless hell of permanent and immediate danger. So much of a hell that during evolution some species - including man - crawled, fled onto some small continents of solid land, where the Lessons of Darkness continue."

-Werner Herzog

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

"Is that cheese?"

I saw the new Indiana Jones movie last night against better judgment. And to be honest, the movie had me fooled initially. On the way out of the screening, I told a friend that "it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." But, with more time to think about it I have to say Crystal Skull IS as bad as I thought it was going to be. I still can't figure out how Spielberg was able to make an Indiana Jones film into such complete drek, but he accomplished just that. To be honest, he didn't have much to work with. The script is terrible. The whole aliens/Mayan/pyramid crap is so overused and insipid. The supporting characters are laughable. Not even the nuclear blast could save the film. But, I guess when Dr. Jones manages to survive said nuclear blast in a fucking refrigerator the ineptness of the film is quite apparent.

The numerous felonies committed by this turd of a movie:
-bad CGI throughout the movie (especially the jungle chase with the sword fight)
-an absolutely embarrassing Tarzan inspired scene
-a dumb villain (Cate Blanchett's character was completely nonthreatening)
-a greaser sidekick character named Mutt
-one of the cheesiest endings ever
-John Hurt's complete lack of respect for himself (although I guess he lost that long ago)
-that stupid ant scene
-the alien nonsense
-obvious and impossible plot developments
-the presence of a gigantic henchman (the ultimate Indiana Jones cliché)

I would like to elaborate on Cate Blanchett's character. She is perhaps the least terrifying villain in the history of film and certainly in the Indiana Jones franchise. In Raiders you had Nazis, who as we all know are maybe not terrifying, but certainly complete assholes. Then in Temple of Doom, you have a nemesis who rips people's hearts out of their fucking chests. While they are still alive. Plus, he kidnaps and enslaves hundreds of little children. Now to the millions of pederasts around the world that may seem like a killer Friday night, but to us normal, non-childfucking adults it is generally looked upon as a serious bummer. And I don't even like kids. Last Crusade's villain was some British geek who was hellbent on screwing everybody over for a mythical religious artifact. So, he was obviously a total psycho. Plus, he was a Nazi twat. And while I don't consider any of the previous three films to be great films, they are at least ridiculous in a good way. And each of the aforementioned villains are certifiable dicks who love inflicting generous amounts of pain on anyone who fucks with them. Indy hates these men with a fiery passion. In Crystal he just seems annoyed with the villain. Annoyed for crying out loud! It is like Crystal's villain is someone he must avoid at recess or he'll get beat up for his lunch money. An Indy villain should be a heinous, savage bastard who uses him for personal gain then tries to throw him into a pit full of bloodthirsty lions. Not point guns at him the whole movie, which is about all she does.

The idiot villain in question is an albino Russian scientist played with a bad accent and not a hint of irony. A character who wants to use an alien's skull to control the minds of Americans. News flash! You already control America, you dolt. Why do you think America circa 1957 couldn't shut the fuck up about your vodka obsessed country? Even so, if you guys really want to control America then just carpet bomb us with nuclear warheads. I mean you guys certainly showed off your firepower well enough. How about fucking using it? But, I guess that wouldn't really be controlling us, now would it? Plus, could her hair look any more ridiculous? Did your mother cut your hair? Are you a twelve year old maladjusted child? Ms. Blanchett has never looked this ludicrous.


Cate gave us zingers like, "You fight like a young man; eager to start and quick to finish." What is this? A porno? I felt like I was watching a high school play every time she was on screen. That is how bad it was. I mean she didn't even brutally murder anyone. What the hell? I can't express to you how much this movie would have benefited from Sean Connery, pissed out of his mind, wandering into a shot every five minutes. Doing whatever the hell drunk Scotsmen do. Actually, this movie would have been much better if I went into it goosed out of my mind on a combination of some hellish microbrew and mescaline. But, I didn't and that is a mistake I am going to have to live with.

And we are so obviously going to be getting some Mutt Jones movies. Get ready, America.


Jesus Christ.

Quote of the Day

Oscar was not into serious street-fighting, but he was hell on wheels in a bar brawl. Any combination of a 250 lb [113 kg] Mexican and LSD-25 is a potentially terminal menace for anything it can reach - but when the alleged Mexican is in fact a profoundly angry Chicano lawyer with no fear at all of anything that walks on less than three legs and a de facto suicidal conviction that he will die at the age of 33 - just like Jesus Christ - you have a serious piece of work on your hands. Especially if the bastard is already 33 1/2 years old with a head full of Sandoz acid, a loaded .357 Magnum in his belt, a hatchet-wielding Chicano bodyguard on his elbow at all times, and a disconcerting habit of projectile vomiting geysers of pure blood off the front porch every 30 or 40 minutes, or whenever his malignant ulcer can't handle any more raw tequila.

-Hunter S. Thompson on Dr. Gonzo

Brian Burke: Hockey's Asshole

If you are a hockey fan than the man on the left should be a familiar face. It is none other than Brian Burke, GM of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks (or Ducks as they like to be called). He could possibly be the biggest dick in NHL history. Although, the goon to his left certainly gives him a run for his money. No wonder Burke decided to sign him. Assholes gravitate towards one another. Burke already had a team of thugs who like to purposely injure opposing players. Why not add the ultimate cheap shot artist and all around master crippler?

It is really impossible to list all the things that make Brian such an asshole. He is smug. His whining is legendary. Anyone remember his whining during and after the Vancouver/Detroit series in 2002? I know I do. He thinks head shots and all around cheap play should be rewarded. These traits are just the tip of the iceberg. I sincerely believe that if someone delved into his personal life that they would find an interest in bestiality and possibly pedophilia. He may be a member of NAMBLA. He just gives off that pedo vibe. I also think that he takes showers with Pronger. And I'm not talking after game, hetero showers either. Who knows the hellish dungeon that no doubt lurks beneath the man's mansion. I get chills just thinking about it. A douche bag amongst douche bags.

I could seriously write a dissertation on this subject. Although, someone has probably beaten me too it. I'll just have to write one on Bettman.

Quote of the Day

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

-Bill Hicks