Quote of the Day

"Bitches leave!"

-Clarence Boddicker

Music Upload: Dystopia - Human = Garbage

Sick crust/sludge/metal/whatever the fuck it is from Cali. A truly menacing album. I love the samples they use throughout the record.

Link: http://tinyurl.com/576uta

Hmmm...

Maybe George W. Bush is General Jack D. Ripper in disguise. Something to think about.

The Greatest Guitar Solo Ever

Title track from the above album. Doesn't get any better in my opinion. Zappa was so on the night he played this piece. Beautiful. Go. Buy. Now.

Quote of the Day

"So, when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, if you go for all these fairy tales, that 'evil' woman convinced the man to eat the apple, but the apple came from the Tree of Knowledge. And the punishment that was then handed down, the woman gets to bleed and the guy's got to go to work, is the result of a man desiring, because his woman suggested that it would be a good idea, that he get all the knowledge that was supposedly the property and domain of God. So, that right away sets up Christianity as an anti-intellectual religion. You never want to be that smart. If you're a woman, it's going to be running down your leg, and if you're a guy, you're going to be in the salt mines for the rest of your life. So, just be a dumb fuck and you'll all go to heaven. That's the subtext of Christianity."

-FZ

Random Ridiculousness

True.

NoMeansNo - 0+2=1

Classic NoMeansNo. One of my favorite records. Enjoy.

Check it: http://tiny.cc/poAZz

My Favorite Records - Joe's Garage

This album is great for three reasons. Firstly, it is really fucking funny. The world of music has never had anyone funnier than Zappa. The man was a serious musician, but he didn't take himself seriously at all. And I don't want to hear shit like, "Well, Zappa was vulgar and misogynistic." It is satire people. Look the word up and stop being such dense assholes. Actually, without the dolts of the world (which there are many) Zappa would not have had anyone to make fun of, so stay the way you are, you sloppy bastards. Secondly, the musicianship and musical concept Joe's Garage displays is staggeringly wonderful. Nobody mixed genres better than Zappa. Absolutely nobody. By the way, what was up with Vinnie Colaiuta on this record? His drumming on Joe's is so great that I almost pissed myself the first time I heard it. Zappa wrote some really complicated drum parts in his time, so playing them was no easy task. Kudos to Vinnie. I now believe the story where, supposedly, Vinnie was sight-reading a complicated piece of music and eating sushi at the same time. Which is just superhuman.

Lastly, Joe's has everything you'd want and expect from a Zappa album. His stark originality is on full display here. The man was as original as any composer/musician can hope to be. He essentially created his own world. Of course, JG possesses that great Zappa production, which is not a surprise since Frank was a tremendous sound engineer. He was always one step ahead of everyone in that department. Although, wasn't he always one step ahead when it came to everything? Joe's Garage certainly shows off Zappa's ballsy, I can do whatever the fuck I want attitude as well. There were simply no limits for this guy. Musically and lyrically. He did whatever he wanted to do, which is really rare in this world. And, of course, it has Frank's trademark solos and unison runs. Nothing else on this planet sounds like a Zappa melody. There is no other guitarist out there that I would rather listen to than Zappa. The song Watermelon in Easter Hay is the only song I can think of that nearly makes me cry. The lead is so heartbreaking. This track just means so much to me and I become really sad every time I hear it because Frank is gone. I know that sounds sappy, but I don't care. Joe's Garage is simply one of my favorite records. I couldn't imagine living on Earth or Mars or Pluto without it.

Here is a great story told by Steve Vai about Colaiuta's aforementioned sight-reading ability:

"He's one of the most amazing sight-readers that ever existed on the instrument. One day we were in a Frank rehearsal, this was early '80s, and Frank brought in this piece of music called 'Mo 'N Herb's Vacation.' Just unbelievably complex. All the drums were written out, just like 'The Black Page' except even more complex. There were these runs of like 17 over 3 and every drumhead is notated differently. And there were a whole bunch of people there, I think Bozzio was there. Vinnie had this piece of music on the stand to his right. To his left he had another music stand with a plate of sushi on it, okay? Now the tempo of the piece was very slow, like 'The Black Page.' And then the first riff came in, [mimics bizarre Zappa-esque drum rhythm patterns] with all these choking of cymbals, and hi-hat, ruffs, spinning of rototoms and all this crazy stuff. And I saw Vinnie reading this thing. Now, Vinnie has this habit of pushing his glasses up with the middle finger of his right hand. Well I saw him look at this one bar of music, it was the last bar of music on the page. He started to play it as he was turning the page with one hand, and then once the page was turned he continued playing the riff with his right hand, as he reached over with his left hand, grabbed a piece of sushi and put it in his mouth, continued the riff with his left hand and feet, pushed his glasses up, and then played the remaining part of the bar. It was the sickest thing I have ever seen. Frank threw his music up in the air. Bozzio turned around and walked away. I just started laughing."

Quote of the Day

"I've often thought there ought to be a manual to hand to little kids, telling them what kind of planet they're on, why they don't fall off it, how much time they've probably got here, how to avoid poison ivy, and so on. I tried to write one once. It was called Welcome to Earth. But I got stuck on explaining why we don't fall off the planet. Gravity is just a word. It doesn't explain anything. If I could get past gravity, I'd tell them how we reproduce, how long we've been here, apparently, and a little bit about evolution. I didn't learn until I was in college about all the other cultures, and I should have learned that in the first grade. A first grader should understand that his or her culture isn't a rational invention; that there are thousands of other cultures and they all work pretty well; that all cultures function on faith rather than truth; that there are lots of alternatives to our own society. Cultural relativity is defensible and attractive. It's also a source of hope. It means we don't have to continue this way if we don't like it."

-Vonnegut in Playboy (1973)

Quote of the Day

"I keep a conscience uncorrupted by religion, a judgment undimmed by politics and patriotism, a heart untainted by friendships and sentiments unsoured by animosities."

-Ambrose Bierce

George Carlin (1937-2008)

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Quote of the Day

"Life in the oceans must be sheer hell. A vast, merciless hell of permanent and immediate danger. So much of a hell that during evolution some species - including man - crawled, fled onto some small continents of solid land, where the Lessons of Darkness continue."

-Werner Herzog

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

"Is that cheese?"

I saw the new Indiana Jones movie last night against better judgment. And to be honest, the movie had me fooled initially. On the way out of the screening, I told a friend that "it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." But, with more time to think about it I have to say Crystal Skull IS as bad as I thought it was going to be. I still can't figure out how Spielberg was able to make an Indiana Jones film into such complete drek, but he accomplished just that. To be honest, he didn't have much to work with. The script is terrible. The whole aliens/Mayan/pyramid crap is so overused and insipid. The supporting characters are laughable. Not even the nuclear blast could save the film. But, I guess when Dr. Jones manages to survive said nuclear blast in a fucking refrigerator the ineptness of the film is quite apparent.

The numerous felonies committed by this turd of a movie:
-bad CGI throughout the movie (especially the jungle chase with the sword fight)
-an absolutely embarrassing Tarzan inspired scene
-a dumb villain (Cate Blanchett's character was completely nonthreatening)
-a greaser sidekick character named Mutt
-one of the cheesiest endings ever
-John Hurt's complete lack of respect for himself (although I guess he lost that long ago)
-that stupid ant scene
-the alien nonsense
-obvious and impossible plot developments
-the presence of a gigantic henchman (the ultimate Indiana Jones cliché)

I would like to elaborate on Cate Blanchett's character. She is perhaps the least terrifying villain in the history of film and certainly in the Indiana Jones franchise. In Raiders you had Nazis, who as we all know are maybe not terrifying, but certainly complete assholes. Then in Temple of Doom, you have a nemesis who rips people's hearts out of their fucking chests. While they are still alive. Plus, he kidnaps and enslaves hundreds of little children. Now to the millions of pederasts around the world that may seem like a killer Friday night, but to us normal, non-childfucking adults it is generally looked upon as a serious bummer. And I don't even like kids. Last Crusade's villain was some British geek who was hellbent on screwing everybody over for a mythical religious artifact. So, he was obviously a total psycho. Plus, he was a Nazi twat. And while I don't consider any of the previous three films to be great films, they are at least ridiculous in a good way. And each of the aforementioned villains are certifiable dicks who love inflicting generous amounts of pain on anyone who fucks with them. Indy hates these men with a fiery passion. In Crystal he just seems annoyed with the villain. Annoyed for crying out loud! It is like Crystal's villain is someone he must avoid at recess or he'll get beat up for his lunch money. An Indy villain should be a heinous, savage bastard who uses him for personal gain then tries to throw him into a pit full of bloodthirsty lions. Not point guns at him the whole movie, which is about all she does.

The idiot villain in question is an albino Russian scientist played with a bad accent and not a hint of irony. A character who wants to use an alien's skull to control the minds of Americans. News flash! You already control America, you dolt. Why do you think America circa 1957 couldn't shut the fuck up about your vodka obsessed country? Even so, if you guys really want to control America then just carpet bomb us with nuclear warheads. I mean you guys certainly showed off your firepower well enough. How about fucking using it? But, I guess that wouldn't really be controlling us, now would it? Plus, could her hair look any more ridiculous? Did your mother cut your hair? Are you a twelve year old maladjusted child? Ms. Blanchett has never looked this ludicrous.


Cate gave us zingers like, "You fight like a young man; eager to start and quick to finish." What is this? A porno? I felt like I was watching a high school play every time she was on screen. That is how bad it was. I mean she didn't even brutally murder anyone. What the hell? I can't express to you how much this movie would have benefited from Sean Connery, pissed out of his mind, wandering into a shot every five minutes. Doing whatever the hell drunk Scotsmen do. Actually, this movie would have been much better if I went into it goosed out of my mind on a combination of some hellish microbrew and mescaline. But, I didn't and that is a mistake I am going to have to live with.

And we are so obviously going to be getting some Mutt Jones movies. Get ready, America.


Jesus Christ.

Quote of the Day

Oscar was not into serious street-fighting, but he was hell on wheels in a bar brawl. Any combination of a 250 lb [113 kg] Mexican and LSD-25 is a potentially terminal menace for anything it can reach - but when the alleged Mexican is in fact a profoundly angry Chicano lawyer with no fear at all of anything that walks on less than three legs and a de facto suicidal conviction that he will die at the age of 33 - just like Jesus Christ - you have a serious piece of work on your hands. Especially if the bastard is already 33 1/2 years old with a head full of Sandoz acid, a loaded .357 Magnum in his belt, a hatchet-wielding Chicano bodyguard on his elbow at all times, and a disconcerting habit of projectile vomiting geysers of pure blood off the front porch every 30 or 40 minutes, or whenever his malignant ulcer can't handle any more raw tequila.

-Hunter S. Thompson on Dr. Gonzo

Brian Burke: Hockey's Asshole

If you are a hockey fan than the man on the left should be a familiar face. It is none other than Brian Burke, GM of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks (or Ducks as they like to be called). He could possibly be the biggest dick in NHL history. Although, the goon to his left certainly gives him a run for his money. No wonder Burke decided to sign him. Assholes gravitate towards one another. Burke already had a team of thugs who like to purposely injure opposing players. Why not add the ultimate cheap shot artist and all around master crippler?

It is really impossible to list all the things that make Brian such an asshole. He is smug. His whining is legendary. Anyone remember his whining during and after the Vancouver/Detroit series in 2002? I know I do. He thinks head shots and all around cheap play should be rewarded. These traits are just the tip of the iceberg. I sincerely believe that if someone delved into his personal life that they would find an interest in bestiality and possibly pedophilia. He may be a member of NAMBLA. He just gives off that pedo vibe. I also think that he takes showers with Pronger. And I'm not talking after game, hetero showers either. Who knows the hellish dungeon that no doubt lurks beneath the man's mansion. I get chills just thinking about it. A douche bag amongst douche bags.

I could seriously write a dissertation on this subject. Although, someone has probably beaten me too it. I'll just have to write one on Bettman.

Quote of the Day

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

-Bill Hicks

Most Wanted Games

My most wanted list:

GTA IV (the wait will be over next week)
Fallout 3
Borderlands
Bionic Commando Rearmed
Spore
Too Human
Mercenaries 2: World in Flames
the new Splatterhouse
Left 4 Dead


Classic games that deserve a replay:

Deus Ex
Fallout
Crusader: No Remorse
Diablo 2

Games I still need to finish:

Bioshock - I've been sitting on this one since Christmas and still haven't unwrapped it.
Mass Effect - Played a couple hours of it. Been months since it has graced my 360 with its presence.
Oblivion - I've had this game for almost two years and just started playing it again. I hadn't played the game in almost a year. Hated it when I first popped it in, but now it is all love.
The Orange Box - Eventually I will get to it, but I've neglected the hell out of these games.

I tend to be one of those gamers who doesn't finish a lot of games for whatever reason. Sometimes it is because I grow tired of the game. Other times a game is way too hard for me (I'm a horrible gamer). But, I'll blame COD4 for my neglect of the above games. Since I got COD4 I have been addicted. It won't get any better either because there is a little game coming out next week that will take up all my gaming time. So, I certainly won't expect myself to be beating those four fine titles anytime soon. Sorry guys. I'll see you eventually.

Oh, and I really need to buy DEFCON.

Another Useless Blog

Does anybody care that I've started a blog? Probably not. Is that going to stop me from posting useless shit for all to see (all two of you)? I think not. Besides I'm bored at work. Anyways, I plan to cover a wide range of topics. Expect to see my thoughts on movies, music, video games, history, beer, food, and other fantastic topics that no one cares about. So, welcome to Burpelson Air Force Base. Oh, and I may upload some music along the way as well.